172. To Be Continued...
As if to rather scarily continue on from things I was talking about yesterday and today; Liam raved on about ‘These Storeys’, and I went and saw The Spiderwick Chronicles.

First things first; I’m happy! Liam was raving on about ‘These Storeys’ and how he’d love to do it as a film as well, so suddenly my mini-laziness-cum-depression is gone. Gone! And it’s all because, I suspect, I rang him on the phone, rather than talking to him over MSN. MSN is great, it really is, but gosh, it’s impersonal. And for two guys that rarely use for emoticons apart for with ironic effect, it’s even more impersonal and hard to discern. We know what we both mean, of course, and there’s never really misunderstandings because we have a bigger bond than most, but yikes, it’s still irritatingly emotionless. It’s like talking to a Cyberman.

Not that I’d know, I suppose. And Liam doesn’t actually say “Excellent” all that often.


173. Aragog Chronicles
The Spiderwick Chronicles; I went to see this basically on the grounds that reviewer-in-the-paper James Joyce had made the claim that it’s “better than the Harry Potter films”. I was intrigued as to whether this could be true. And no, I didn’t research to find out his name (remember? Me no research, although I do seem to be crappily quoting that far-too-oft-used “I don’t speak English” variation), it’s just that I’ve read the paper for yonks and remember it. So.

So, it’s not as good as Harry Potter... in my view. But here’s the thing; I can actually see why it could be seen as better in other peoples’ eyes, and for me to make that admission means that it’s rather good. No, damn good. I like Lord of the Rings, and A Series of Unfortunate Events, and yet this shites all over them. It inhabits a filmic experience in a way that the seemingly-endless book adaptations of late (fantasy, I mean. And yes, I’m including The Golden Compass here) just haven’t. Which amuses me, because until Nina told me after the film, I didn’t actually realise it was based on a book. Yep, that’s how good it is. I mean, you could probably reasonably garner that it would be based on the trends of kids’ fantasy films at the moment, but really, it matters as much as finding out that Psycho is based on a book if you didn’t know that beforehand. Because – and I’m not slagging the book off here – it doesn’t matter. It works so well as a film that it really doesn’t matter.

Not that I’m suggesting Spiderwick is as good as Psycho, mind you.

But rather than reminding me of endless fantasy films of late, it reminded me of some unexpected sources. For one, conventional horror; the whole “stuck in a house” base-under-siege thing (which manifests literally at the end, but is present throughout the whole film due to the presence of the circle). Then there was elements of Home Alone in the way that – well, it’s a house under siege, but also – traps were set and the kids had to rely on ingenuity (despite having a sword!). And then, finally, it also reminded me heavily of Jumanji, though I’m buggered if I can work out why. It’s not to do with the story or style or anything, though the finding-out-more-about-the-book storyline does work similarly to the we-keep-playing-and-the-stakes-just-get-higher storyline of Jumanji. I think the main reason it reminded me of Jumanji though is that, like that film, it simply sits in a place where few kids’ films do; in a standalone section of isolated brilliance. You can pinpoint influences, and it’s based on a book, that’s true, but it really does inhabit its own world perfectly well thank-you-very-much.

Mind you, I did think the ending was a bit too happy. Considering the teeth-marks and suicide references earlier in the film, I thought that a bittersweet ending was going to occur instead, but nope. Pity, really, but never mind.


174. Splat!
Other reasons why it was really good? Well, two. The first - and more obscure - is that this resolutely is a Nickelodeon film, as it proudly says in the opening credits. Nickelodeon, for me, has at its core symbolised one thing for me, and that is: “SPLAT”. A gooey splat at the screen; a disgusting bit of grossness thrown at the viewer. Ren and Stimpy, Rocko’s Modern Life... those shows exhibit the Splat factor, because they’re resolutely Nickelodeon. And for me that’s what they are at their best. Even Rugrats had splats – in its credits, too! Unlike Disney and Dreamworks, which have gone from far-too-clean pure worlds to basically gratuitous fart jokes (Pixar’s mainly responsible for that, as much as I like them), Nick has had it from their breakout, and unlike the others, they never seem to be throwing these in to appeal to the kids – the Splat factor works because the worlds in which these Splats happen are inherently gross. Just check out the difference in style for the CGI in Spiderwick and, say, Pixar’s new upcoming feature Kung Fu Panda, and you’ll see what I mean. Trolls and snot and goo, oh my!

(Mind you, Nick is capable of going overboard with the Splat factor; that game show where they pour goo over people really does feel gratuitous. I can’t exactly pinpoint why, mind you, but it does)

And it’s so gross and foul a world, that a bunch of trolls cut off from saying “Oh shit” before an explosion isn’t a big naughty adults only moment, it’s just part of what happens, in the same way that the Slitheen’s cut-off “Oh bollocks” is resolutely Doctor Who because it’s just such a barmy thing to happen. Despite it being odd, I can perfectly accept trolls saying “shit” in Spiderwick because that’s just what Nick aim for, in the same way that I can accept that Spongebob watches jellyfish porn channels, Rocko gets caught in a big hippo’s cleavage, and Heifer carries sausages around in his pockets. It’s just part of the experience. But a phallic gag in Kung Fu Panda, for instance, isn’t going to go down well.

Speaking of which, that film really does look dull, and it’s not the casting of Jack Black that makes me think that either (maybe Pixar should make a Tenacious D film?); it seems to me that the creators have decided that the wonderfully lush Eastern scenery (and god yes, it is, it looks fantastic) is enough, that the oriental feel immediately makes this film different to their others, and that the plot really doesn’t matter. I’m judging from the preview, of course, but it really does look completely forgettable to me. At least their other scheduled film, Wall-E (or whatever it’s called), looks like it’ll have some measure of vague originality to it, if only because it’s not pointing to its subject matter and saying, for instance, “Panda bears! Kung fu! Isn’t that awesome?” Oh yes, but you need more than that. Heck, even the poster I saw screamed “Get ready for awesomeness” at me. Yes, I’m aware that it’s probably meant to be ironic, but parody doesn’t immediately make something worthwhile either.


175. Kids and Likeability
Oh yeah, the second reason. Well, it’s linked into the main kid, so I’ll just say this first off; dude, I forget your name, but you really are a great actor. Along with the kid from ‘The Family of Blood’ (who, I believe it’s been said, will be playing Tintin...?!) and Dakota Blue Richards in The Golden Compass (regardless of the film itself), I’m greatly enjoying the wealth of talent in kids’ films these days. Say one thing for Spiderwick over HP; it certainly didn’t take its key actors as long to actually act perfectly convincingly. The kid from Spiderwick isn’t the bland non-presence of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that I remember (which of course is the story’s fault; I don’t remember the Charlie in Willy Wonka either, and it seems to me that the other kids are designed to be the memorable ones), or in fact don’t-really-remember – he’s a genuinely good actor who can play two parts, so well that it wasn’t until halfway during the movie that Nina asked, “Hold on, is that the same actor?” The direction helps too, but he really does make the characters quite distinct.

And this leads me on to what’s so great about the film; the main character’s a twat! Yeah, okay, divorce, he has issues, fair enough. But he’s not angsty from them. He’s just a twat. He lies for the hell of it, he’s reckless, he bangs a car with a stick, he tells his mum that he hates her, and he’s just generally irritating. I’d hate to be in the room with a kid like him. And guess what? He’s great! He’s quite simply the best main character in a fantasy film that we’ve had since... well... Harry Potter himself (okay, Lyra too, but Lyra’s brilliance didn’t extend to the entire film and was mostly condensed to her brilliant debut scene). I’m not suggesting that prats immediately make more engaging leads, but hell, they make more immediately interesting leads, and more importantly, more realistic leads. Look, Simon’s a great character too - a well-researched little boy who’s incredibly dull, and that makes him great. But he’s great because the main character is, in contrast, a dickhead. If the roles were reversed, the film would lose a hell of a lot (and probably wouldn’t be a Nick film – Harriet the Spy is another example of one of their films with a fairly unlikeable lead, despite Trachtenburg’s likeable performance). It’d lose its, well, charm. Because the thing is – and this is just my view of course – adult films get away with likeable characters as leads because, well, the world around them generally isn’t. It’s fair to say that nice people, whilst they definitely come first at times, they also fail in other parts of life, and adult films are often brilliantly blunt in showing us where generosity, niceness, kindness, and general likeability, can fail as well as succeed in life. But you often can’t get away with being so depressingly and cynically direct in kids’ films, so nice characters end up being heroic and flawless. Which is, well, boring; I’ll even take stock villainy over that.

That’s why, then, a lot of the best childrens’ stuff, for me, has often had unlikeable lead characters. Not all the time, mind you – my love of Rugrats prompts me to mention it, and all of the kids in that are cute (though I mean, it is a show about babies, so what do you expect? But Tommy’s parents and Chuckie’s dad are the nicest, actually, and they’re nowhere near as successful or well-off as Phil and Lil’s) – but mostly. Here’s a secret reason why I’m not looking forward to Prince Caspian. It’s the chief, main reason. It’s not because I’m sick of epic fantasy films. It’s not because I feel they’re barstardizing another “childhood classic”. It’s because the leads are... yes they are... boring! Utterly dull, noble, freakishly bland nothings! It wouldn’t be so bad if Edmund was still vaguely unlikeable, but after redeeming himself in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which works well within the boundaries of that book/film, he’s destined to be as dull as the other three forevermore. The problem with Prince Caspian as a book is that the four leads have nothing new to offer; we can no longer see the wonder through Lucy’s eyes, and we can no longer get treachery from Edmund, because all four are homogenised nobility and are as boring as one of the Queen’s visits to Australia. The four of them don’t fight their way through the book so much as travel on horses and wave regally at their subjects.

And as for Caspian... ugh. Bland pretty boy is only going a step towards my hatred of this character. He’s everything you expect a prince to be; that is, nothing. You know how with Will and Harry, you’re supposed to get excited about details like “I saw a kangaroo in Australia!” or, more appropriately to this rant, “I’m going to fight in a war!”, and you just can’t because you didn’t believe they had personality in the first place? Similarly, I couldn’t give a toss as to whether Caspian succeeds or loses in Prince Caspian because he doesn’t even really exist; he’s a plot point rather than a character. Yikes, I hate him. It wouldn’t even be so bad if he was contrasted with someone else interesting, but there is nobody interesting in the book. At least The Horse and his Boy had the forerunner to Donkey from Shrek (as evidenced by the name of the book itself, which shows off the sidekick more than the boring main character).


176. Naaa-na, na-naaaa-rnia
And it’s no coincidence, then, that my favourite book of all of them is Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Why? Because of Eustace Scrubbs! Right from the opening chapter we’re introduced to what would now be called a Draco Malfoy type, except brilliantly we see much of the story through his eyes. He’s a selfish little arsehole who steals water, hates talking rats, thieves gold and even enjoys watching fat people run. He’s a sadistic little cunt, and therefore a brilliant character.

Though of course, his redemption in that book doesn’t do him any favours for the succeeding books - and yes, he’s a bit boring (though thankfully, still more interesting than the Pensieve children) in The Silverchair (interestingly, considering the name, Eustace’s character development reminds me much of Daniel Johns’, from fairly interesting little shite to rather dull adult). But thankfully we’ve got Puddleglum along for the ride, a character who complains and moans the entire time, and therefore makes the world really come alive. Because, to throw to the real world, if you go through an entire day and realise that not a single person has made the slightest complaint throughout, then something really has gone amiss, and you’ve been living in a disturbingly fake delusion the whole time. If the marshes are wet, you tell ‘em they’re wet! If the giants are shit scary, you turn on your heel and run! You go, ‘glum!

Of course, by the time of The Last Battle, we’re not just sick of the unchanging Narnia (despite time apparently going really fast; gee, do they not have trends and cultural movements, then?), we’re sick of the characters brought back. Eustace really is useless here, and the return of the other children isn’t a cause for celebration so much as a kick in the teeth. Personally I’m glad they all buggered off to heaven, the place where nothing bad ever happens and you spend eternity dancing with boredom. Indeed, when the children darkly pronounced that Susan was interested in things like lipstick and parties, guess what? I wished I was with her! Pregnancy and drugs and binge drinking and shit everywhere... it may not be that original, but god it’d be more interesting! Take me with you, Susan! Pleeeease! I could live ever so happily with you.

Now that’s heaven, Aslan.

Mind you, this does make me realise that Anna whatever-her-name-is really is perfect casting for Susan in a way I hadn’t even imagined before; of course she’s going to be obsessed with her lips and lipstick, because they’re bloody huuuuuge!

Though not, admittedly, as big as Ms Browning’s.

Sorry, why am I talking about lips? Christ. Er, I mean, Aslan.

So. To wrap up. Spiderwick = worth seeing. Honest. I mean, it’s a Nick film. How can you resist?


177. Cole a Tank
I do seem to have a rather strange way of linking images to sounds in my head, you know. I won’t go too heavily into it, cos that’d be dull and an example of “Hey look, I’m different!” (which anyone who says so invariably isn’t, not in the sense that they mean it*), but here’s an example; I’m listening to ‘#1 Crush’ by Garbage (not of my own choosing, of course; it’s just come up on iTunes, that's all. Mind you, it’s still one of the few songs of theirs I actually like), and my image is not of Shirley Manson singing, but Christina Cole. Which does rather strange things to me.

Though I suppose it at least makes sense, whereas me picturing Tim McInnerny as the secondary guitarist of Rammstein really just doesn’t. Unless it’s some bizarre extended Blackadder fan fiction where Captain Darling, after the last scene of ‘Goodbyeee’, ran off to enemy lines and managed to enter the enemy base where, much like Blackadder’s plan in that-one-with-Flash, he allows the Germans to assimilate him into their society and eventually joins Rammstein. And collaborates with Leni, leading to the eventual ‘Raped’ video.

Um... or perhaps not?

*By which I mean – just to clarify this – that they’re different in the sense that everyone is different. Unfortunately, whilst the phrase “everyone is different” is a great phrase for diffusing, as Ian Chesterton would say, “dislike of the unlike” (mind you, I’ve no idea if it’d actually work), it is, for anyone aspiring for greatness who’s also not held much cop with the idea of racism in the first place, a rather depressing thought. Because if everyone is different, then by the same token, everyone is the same. Because “everyone is different” is a positive/negative phrase in itself, being all inclusive and then divisive in one. “Everyone”, you see.

Mind you, it’s nowhere near as depressing as “everybody in the whole wide world!”, which just brings back painful memories of Vanessa Amorosi. Who, I’ll note, hasn’t seemed to have had much success with her recent single... what was it called? ‘Respect Yo Mama’ or something? Christ, it sounds like the Church getting down wiv da kidz with the Ten Commandments.

Feel free to substitute your own witty “Ten Commandments in niggaz” language here, because I can’t be bothered, really. I just rather generously set up the joke for you, that’s all.


178. Doctor Whoah! Series Four
...Having just mentioned Tim McInnerny, it’s probably a good time to – In a manner similar to Lawrence Miles, I’ve just disturbingly realised – look through this handy “What’s coming in Series Four?” thingo that DWM has (no, it’s not actually called that, because they’re far more capable of coming up with amusing and interesting titles than I am. Except for Doctor Whoah!, which would be easy to beat. Uh... Doctor WHY! See? I should be writing that mag, not them) and throw in a few comments, pre-me-watching-Series-Four, about how it’s looking.

(Just a point... in this issue’s Doctor Whoah!, there’s a joke about the “And duck!” moment in ‘Blink’. Disappointingly perhaps, the resolution is to simply show a duck, rather than to show my I-think-it’s-rather-clever-actually joke about the duck being a sign of Russell T Davies’ [supposed] gay agenda. But I suppose that would fly over the kiddies’ heads [though ducks don’t fly that gracefully, so the kids might notice]. Either way, the duck – which is weeping [over the fact that I didn’t write the joke] – says, in response to the Angel’s “BOO HOO! LET’S GET HER!”; “YEAH! SOB...”. Now, I’ve written it like that because, of course, comics are always written in capitals [well, mostly], but it rather does remind me of Jack Deakin, and the use of capitals actually seems to be suggesting that the duck is calling Carey Mulligan “Son of a bitch”. Which is rather unsporting of it. A good sport I recommend to it, in return, is duck hunting. Tis the season to shoot queers. “Queers” being a euphemism for “ducks”, of course*)


179. ‘Partners in Crime’
Doesn’t that title seem a bit like Russell’s taken the “keep ‘em peeled, Lewis” stylings of ‘Fear Her’ and decided that the Doctor and companion should be portrayed as linked to the law all of the time? Mind you, if those stories truly work in the way I’ve just described, we could basically swap the titles around; in that sense, ‘Fear Her’ actually warns us to be wary of... well, you know. The red bombshell.

Cribbins! That’s to be said as if it's an exclamation of surprise, by the way. Like Steve Irwin’s “Crikey!” “Cribbins!” I’m expecting the Doctor to yell that out in shock when he comes across Wilfred Mott (what a terrible name!) in ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’. He’s even listed as a “regular” of the series, which is a tad strange, but I’d be interested in where this is going. I’m suspecting that he’s actually not an alien or a spy for UNIT/the government/the royals at all, and is really just some bum who hears Donna’s tales of the Doctor’s adventures and decides to follow him around, which means we get an entire season of ‘Love & Monsters’, except, to appease the fans who disliked ‘Love & Monsters’, there won’t be any silliness or fat monsters, no, no! Instead, there’ll be the very-much preferable proliferation of such bummy adventures as stealing food from bins, injecting himself with used needles, and vomiting over himself as he sleeps. Cribbins! What a wonderful adventure! I suggest that Russell immediately dub this season the ‘Love & Mottsters’ arc.

Incidentally, since he’s a bum, and we know that Cybus’ cronies pick up bums in ‘Rise of the Cybermen’ to be converted except that was an alternate universe story so it’s feasible that the Daleks did that with the Robomen in ‘The Dalek Invasion of Earth’, and that when Dr Who and his companions turned up then Bernard Cribbins assimilated himself with the Robomen, and there’s a tenuous link for you! Um, wait. Forget it. That’s too stupid, even for me. Maybe, then, Wilfred Mott is the bloke from ‘Horror of Glam Rock’ who, after the Children of Tomorrow left the Tomorrow Twins, realised he had two untalented Irish tossers on his hands (although one was Clare Buckfield, and you’d be mad to get on her bad side because she’s impossibly gorgeous. Why isn’t she on TV more often?) and threw them out, was unable to find another star – not even Lucie’s aunt Pat – and became a street bum. In that sense, Donna talking to him about the stars reawoke in him the 70s and the-stars-who-never-made-it and, well, basically, the themes that Paul Magrs put into that story.


180. Mott Ado About Nothing
You know, I think I’m getting obsessed with Wilfred Mott. Cribbins! Maybe he’s the one in this mysterious Vault. To quote from Russell T Davies’ script for the-second-last-as-yet-unnamed-episode (which I’m certain will be called ‘Love & Mottsters’, or perhaps just a very simple, ‘Oh Cribbins! Oh My Giddy Aunt!’):

THE DOCTOR and DONNA wait as the door slowly wheels open. From the darkness, the fog, emerges a figure encased in black clothes, rugs wrapped around his body in an attempt to wave off the cold. He is a figure of pure evil, and he approaches DONNA.

MOTT
Got a light, luv?

DONNA
Oh, no you don’t.

MOTT
Why not, missy? I could light it on your 'ead, probably!

THE DOCTOR
Oh no... Cribbins!

MOTT
Hey, no need for that kinda language. I just wants me a fag.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, here, have a rubber ducky then.**

Sorry, I was supposed to be talking about ‘Partners in Crime’, wasn’t I? Well, anyway. Fat. Yeah, fat’s a good subject. A really good subject. A pity the companion isn’t Rose, because – NO I AM NOT CALLING BILLIE FAT, GEEZ! – Russell could have worked in a big thing about her chips obsession. Or Martha could have been all medical and patronising to fat people. Or the Slitheen could have attacked the facility on the grounds that they’d never again find any decent hosts. Though David Tennant, resplendent in black BAFTA suit, would make a great host.

*grins at awful pun*

Ah, sorry (I’m so sorry), reading this DWM thing properly for the first time, Mott isn’t a bum, he’s a newspaper vendor. Which takes away a bit of his charm (I had assumed he was a bum based on the Series Four trailer). I immediately suggest all of his money is taken away. Hey, maybe the Doctor stealing money in ‘The Runaway Bride’ is the cause of his, because he was actually stealing money from Mott’s bank account? Maybe that’s why Mott is now a bum?

Ahh, the mysterious Mott. Far better than the Mysterious Mim.


181. ‘The Fires of Pompeii’
I’m certain that millions of fans have already made a poor, “More like, the fire is on Catherine Tate’s head...! LOL!” jokes, so I won’t.

It’s a tad disappointing, considering the “can we change history?” argument that (for once) seems to be being raised in this story (bet it won’t be in ‘The Unicorn and the Wasp’, which will end up being smug “look, history!” stuff in the vein of ‘The Shakespeare Code’. Ah, good old Gareth Roberts, eh? Attack of the Arse, more like), that it’s not a pure historical. Indeed, the eruption of Vesuvius is apparently caused by alien involvement, which irritates me; I’d rather the eruption had simply woken up these creatures hibernating in the core of the earth or something, and the creatures threatened both the Pompeiians and the TARDIS crew, and Donna wanted to help the Pompeiians, and the Doctor wanted to both not help them (so as not to change history) and to make sure they aren’t killed by the aliens (because that would also change history, in the sense that the skeletons found by archaeologists would have different markings). That would be complex and interesting. In fact, why have them be aliens at all? They could have, ala the Silurians, just been life-forms that humans hadn’t found yet. I’m all for sci-fi finding bizarre alien creatures, of course, because that’s what sci-fi does, but it’d be nice if we found bizarre Earth creatures instead. I mean, the ocean’s full of strange stuff we haven’t even tapped into properly.

Sorry, my mistake, they have found bizarre Earth creatures; Donna.

Alright, I’m being an arse. She’s alright, really. She has great potential.

Anyway. I might be willing to let this “they’re aliens” irk pass by if they’re not deliberately plotting it, and also, because in that trailer, they looked and sounded disturbing, yelling - as I now figure they must be yelling, though it was incomprehensible at the time – “FIRE FIRE!” Surely no smart beings would yell such dull and incoherent things?

Sorry, Donna, that’s right, yeah.

Again, I’m being an arse. More so than Gareth Roberts.

Also, Russell T Davies’ comment in The New Statesman – “I control the mothership. I say: ‘I want Pompeii, with rock monsters!’” – is a tad worrying if we’re supposed to take him literally. What, is he going to turn out to be the alien menace or something? In a staggering bit of postmodernism, I feel he should be represented, in a wink-wink nudge-nudge knowing way, as a massive, lava riding, rubber duck.


182. ‘Planet of the Ood’
Hey, one great thing about Series Four; apparently, we’re going to visit four alien planets. That doesn’t sound like much really, but after the... um... none of the previous three series (sorry, but New Earth, an asteroid in ‘The Satan Pit’ and a quarry pit in ‘Utopia’ don’t really count, do they? Well actually, ‘Utopia’ has evidence of a lost alien civilisation, so maybe...), it comes as a bit of a relief. Four! Four out of thirteen episodes, true, but at least the Earth based stuff – if what I’m theorising about the military and UNIT and Earth/alien interaction is true – sounds like it will be interesting too, in a way that Series Two’s voyages to the amazingly imaginative streets of London in 2012 simply weren’t.

By the way, regarding my obsession with the military and royalty’s involvement in Doctor Who (‘Tooth and Claw’ is the first we know of, of course, but surely the first on-screen mention of the royalty finding the Doctor quite trying is in ‘Silver Nemesis’?), it is interesting that Donna’s last name is "Noble". "Nobility", you see. Oh, alright, nobility and royalty aren’t really the same thing, but you can see what I’m getting at, can’t you? I don’t think it’ll be a plot point or anything – unlike my I-know-it-isn’t-true-but-it-could-be-interesting “Do you reckon Rose Tyler is actually a long lost barstard child of royalty?” theory, seeing as that would tie up the Bad Wolf thing, as well as explain why the alt-Rose is a dog! – but it could be some sort of metaphorical or allegorical thing. And before you think I’m being silly again, keep in mind that I must surely be the only fan whose genuine first thought about the choosing of the name “Mr Saxon” was down to it being a wholly and rather disturbingly British name rather than an anagram of the Master, and – it would seem – this was the same with Russell! I seem to be on RTD’s wavelength, actually; I guessed the return of UNIT, and the military theme (which surely is happening; Sontarans, UNIT, I mean, really). There’s been a lot of disturbing symmetry between the Doctor Who work of us both, actually; back in my DW13 Behind the Fan Fiction writing days, I noted, pre-Series Three, that Russell was going to an episode set in 1930s New York that contained “the Doctor’s oldest enemies”; I was worried that it meant “oldest” in the New Series, i.e. the Autons, and of course the DW13 story, ‘Grand Theft Auton’, was set in 1930s Chicago and featured Autons. So there you go!

Anyway, uh, the Ood. Well, as long as Tate doesn’t make crappy “ood/odd” jokes, I’ll be happy; surprisingly, I can’t see Donna doing it, even though she’s played by a rather unfunny comedian. Shows how awful Rose is, then. And to be honest, though it’s a bit over the top maybe, the “why are you calling me ‘mistress’?” line is far funnier than any “ood” jokes I’ve come across. Far funnier.

Like in ‘The Fires of Pompeii’, I must profess my slighest disappointment that the alien race are presented in a predictable way; in this case, it’s that the Ood are again easily evilified (what are they, Kamelion’s family?). But if we get enough background to the species, and a genuinely brilliant alien planet – and the Ood-Sphere really does sound cool and high concept, in a way that "New Earth" just doesn’t – then I’m pumped for it. Mind you, I do sort of wish Russell was writing it, because he’d be good at fleshing it out; but then, I’ve no knowledge of anything written by this Keith Temple bloke, so he could be really good. At the very least, considering the fairly-tacked-on religious themes of ‘The Satan Pit’, he at least has an appropriate name.

Oh, just reading; it’s an ice planet. Most likely, the fire/ice contrast is – whilst being perhaps the oldest contrast in fiction, ever – a realisation and extension of little Tintin’s – uh I mean Tim Latimer’s – very-Cornell “he’s like fire and ice” line in ‘The Family of Blood’. Or, if we’re to take the “Catherine Tate has fire hair, LULZ” joke and treat it seriously, perhaps – due to her personality and hair and such – she really is the fire, whereas the Doctor is cold and calculating? It’s like a metaphorical version of the Seventh Doctor and Mel, almost.

Also, DWM says of Tim McInnerny’s appearance in this episode that he “appeared regularly as both Lord Percy and Captain Darling in the various series of Blackadder in the 1980s. Hip-hip-huzzah!”. Huh? Since when did his characters, let alone anyone in a series of Blackadder, say “hip-hip-huzzah”? I don’t even remember Stephen Fry saying it!


183. ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’/Whatever-Five-is-Called
Yes, I know that episode five’s title has actually been released, but it’s not in these pages and I don’t have access to the internet and... oh, I know. I’m just whinging.

Right, well; I don’t have much to say about this, because I’ve bleated on about the military stuff enough, most likely, but I will say that Russell said a line of dialogue in this story featured (unless it’s been changed, he admits) the words “Code Red”. If that’s not military, I don’t know what is.

Wait a minute, going by Steven Moffat’s logic, will that mean that the Sontarans will see the Code Red and immediately start dancing to that “Everybody dance now!” song? No, of course it wouldn’t, silly me; because going also by Steven Moffat, dancing means sex, and we all know that the Sontarans can’t have sex.

Speaking of sex, Helen Raynor (oh alright, I’m joking! I’m not Lawrence Miles, after all) is writing this one, and I have high hopes. One, because she treated military themes quite well in her Torchwood episode ‘To the Last Man’; two, because ‘Ghost Machine’ is still utterly brilliant; and three because, no matter how wrong and silly it may have seemed to write the Daleks in the way she did, hell, at least she knows how to write monsters interestingly. And personally, I’m far more willing to see the Sontarans’ jock qualities made fun of more than the Daleks’ staginess. See: ‘The Two Doctors’.


184. ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’
I feel sorry for Georgia Moffett at the moment (who, by the way, Davison-look-alike-or-no-Davison-look-alike, really is bloody gorgeous). Because there’s so much riding on this. She’s Davison’s daughter! She’s the Doctor’s daughter in the show as well! Just look at that episode title! And if she ends up delivering anything but a faultless performance, I reckon she’ll be skinned alive by fandom (well, those members of fandom who aren’t captivated by her looks, of course, which, to be fair, will be a minority). Take a look at previous much-praised female stars in the show; Carey Mulligan’s performance as Sally Sparrow, and Sophia Myles’ as Madame de Pompadour... well, we weren’t actually expecting them, were we? They came as a complete surprise, which is why they’ve received lots of praise. Whereas take Martha, or Donna, or Rose, or Astrid; we’ve known about them in advance for ages, much is riding on their performances and/or writing, and the slightest misstep could ruin everything in some fans’ eyes.

Now, Moffett’s character isn’t a companion, but she bloody might as well be; she’s linked to the Doctor in a very special way (it seems; she probably actually isn’t), and as I said she’s Davison's daughter, and... oh, boy, I really wouldn’t want to be this girl right now.

Be with her, yes. But be her, no.

Hmm, which raises the question of, which girl would I like to be right now? I’ll have to think about that one. I’ll give you an answer at the end of this entry, I swear.

So anyway; this episode’s directed by Alice Troughton, who seems a dab hand at the tear-jerkers in Torchwood (not that, um, I actually cried in them) and going for the direct emotion, and therefore that seems to slightly indicate to me as to what way this’ll be heading (as well as the assertion made that this event will have “a real impact on the Doctor”... maybe we’re all barking up the wrong Rani’s-tree, though, and it’ll actually do something unexpected, like turn him into Peter Davison, or a woman). But the writer is Stephen Greenhorn, which worries me a tad; Helen Raynor’s lampooning of Broadway and cinema in ‘Daleks in Manhattan’ may not have been wonderfully clever, but it was still ahead of Greenhorn deciding to take the mad scientist cliche and actually bloody take it seriously. Yikes. Mark Gatiss or no Mark Gatiss, I really felt that that episode stunk.

Still, this episode’s already looking different and promising, and whilst it’s not a new idea – Miles pointed out that Parkin must be feeling pretty sad about now – it’s got to be interesting in some way. Surely.


185. ‘The Unicorn and the Wasp’
It’s got a wasp in it. And Agatha Christie. And Gareth Roberts jokes. Somehow, then, I think that’ll be it in a nutshell. Hey, I enjoy some of Roberts’ stuff, but he really doesn’t go for anything but “predictable”, does he?


186. ‘Silence in the Library’/This One’s Also Been Announced But Again I Don’t Have the Name in Front of Me
Steve Pemberton! In a Moffat script! Yikes!

Also, one of the other actors’ names is “Ot Fagbenle”, which is genuinely one of the most interesting and cool names I’ve seen since... well... Tish’s. As in, the actress. Gugu... something. I apologise, I can’t remember. I’m not racist, I’m just naieve.

Shadows, it seems. This episode is about shadows. *counts to ten* “Don’t mention ‘The Darkness of Cold Light’, Dom, don’t mention DW13, Dom, don’t... aarrrghgghghg” *counts to thirteen*


187. ‘Midnight’
It sounds spooky, of course, but brilliantly, Phil Collinson has said that it’s set in “sort of an intergalactic spa”. Ah, trust Russell T to do things differently. I’m envisioning that place in ‘Time and the Rani’, only, you know, good.

David Troughton’s in it. Somehow this news hasn’t exploded like the casting of Moffett has, presumably because a) he’s more experienced and we know more of his stuff, b) it seemed inevitable at one point anyway, and c) he’s simply not as fanciable.


188. Episode 11 (probably also released, this title. I don't even remember anymore)
I figure that this is the Doctor-lite episode, which is how Rose can get reintroduced quite smoothly. Apparently Tate gives a “towering” and “stellar” performance in this episode, which leads me to expect that she’s going to act like a space building. Oh, sorry, am I misinterpreting that?

Chipo Chung, the actress who played Chantho, is back in non-Chanto form. Though I’ll be disappointed if she didn’t say her character’s name over and over again like a demented Pokemon. Incidentally, her first name contains the word “chip”, and it’s therefore wholly appropriate that Rose should return in this story, then. Perhaps that’s what lures her out of the alternate universe.

Hmm, do wolves like chips? If not, that ruins my Bad Wolf theory. Bugger it. Perhaps they do in Doctor Who. Bats and vampires don’t, as ‘School Reunion’ showed us, but dogs and werewolves do.

Er, not that I’m suggesting Rose is a dog, in the literal sense! Er.


189. Episode 12/’Journey’s End’
The latter was the original – though never actually used – title for ‘Gridlock’, dontcha know. And no, that doesn’t mean New Earth is back, because Russell has said he’s done with that, and may instead use the 42nd century (‘The Satan Pit’, ‘42’. Hopefully he’ll somehow make it work this time, then!). Then again, he’s a compulsive liar, that one.

A lot of people have been speculating about this one, and its title. Death of a companion? Tennant regenerates? Personally – and to my surprise – I’m not at all intrigued about finding out, and am more intrigued about the development of the series arc, the military themes, and other things, far more than finding out what happens in the finale. Hmm, that really does feel strange.

Mind you, Mott just has to be in there somewhere. Please.


190. *Ducks...
If “duck” is really a euphemism of “queer”, we can have a lot of fun reinterpreting childhood things with innuendo and such, I suspect. But thinking about it, a lot of them are rather in the wrong place. For instance, Daffy Duck may make us giggle, but actually it was Bugs Bunny who was the, uh, bicurious one (I now vote that we call him Bicurious Bunny from henceforth. Okay, Warner Bros?). And speaking of “bros”, the original Super Mario Bros on NES came with a game called Duck Hunt, where you had to, uh, shoot ducks. This could be seen as a vicious homophobic-subtexted game, except if so then it’s, ahem, aiming in the wrong place; it is after all Super Mario Bros that has a rather distressing outbreak of moustaches and images of men seemingly happy to insert themselves into phallic images.

Princess Peach? Bah, Mario was never interested in the first place. Why do you think he deliberately went to the wrong castle so often? “Peach is in another castle!” therefore becomes a euphemism for, “I’m sorry, Mario, but Peach is probably in Daisy’s bed!”* That’s a tad strange though, because if any of the cast of the Mario games are quite openly gay, it’s little man Toad.

*My knowledge is lacking here; is Daisy Peach’s sister? If so, it’s not so much a case of lesbianism as incest. And, I think that’s enough for now; I’m beginning to sound like Dash, even if I am joking.

**Though of course I can stoop to making terrible euphemistic jokes that reference Sesame Street, it seems.


191. “191”? 99, more like.
Completely off-topic; I discovered, at my film-going experience, that they’re making a Get Smart movie. With Anne Hathaway. I think the appropriate response is, “Get Fucked!”


192. The Dom’s Daughter
...Actually, my question about being in the body of a girl – specifically an actress’ – reminds me of something. No, not Freaky Friday, and no, I really don’t want to be in either Jamie Lee Curtis or Lindsay Lohan’s body (the latter for obvious reasons. Enter your own comedy here). It’s because I was just discussing ‘I, Yin and My Yang’ ideas beforehand (which, when this text is thrown onto my blog, you won’t know), and that just seems rather appropriate. That’ll be meaningless to you now, but when that book is released – uh, years and years away – and you seriously have nothing better to do with your time, look back at this entry and smile with a newfound understanding. Serenity, man. Serenity. It’s like, peaceful, and a movie version of Firefly, man.

My answer? Um... oh, go on, then. Georgia Moffett for a day, I’ll be. Hooray!

*transforms*