You know, I was going to talk about a lot of things in this blog today. Like the Ugmo party with Lachlan, Rob and Liam, which was great. And Nick Ashby’s Lawful Adventures was amazing. And I’ve finally seen all of Futurama, and I’ve got Jersey Devil, and…

…well, the latest Doctor Who episode (yes, here I go), ‘The Stolen Earth’, has just… sapped the life out of me. After a run of excellent (or, in Moffat’s case, at least very imaginative and effortful) episodes, we’ve been hit with this. And I’ve only seen two people so far who dislike it as well as myself; everyone else has given it a 5 (or has just said it was good).

I can’t properly review this, not yet. Especially because, you know, the second part hasn’t aired. Yet Bown asked for an elaboration and, to be honest, I just want to get this off my chest.

So, thoughts as I watch it.

00:54
It’s rather amusing; fifty seconds in, and all we’ve got is milk bottles shaking. I’m aware that introductions can – nay, should – sometimes be slow, but after last week’s stirring “oh shit, it’s the end of the universe!” (not exactly verbatim, that), this really just feels bland.

01:05
Why do we get a shot of the hand? Is it important? Will that be how the Doctor no doubt unregenerates into himself again?

01:28
I’ll mention this early on; I don’t think I can remember a single line in this story that wasn’t either a) Exterminate!, b) something doom-laden, c) explaining the plot or d) companions talking about how cool the Doctor is. It’s bloody ‘Doomsday’ all over again.

And yeah, ‘Ghost Light’ only has lines relevant to the plot and the characters (even including the jokes) too, nothing natural there; yet that works, because it’s set in an unnatural, stilted house with unnatural, stilted characters. We’re supposed to believe that these are real, breathing people in ‘The Stolen Earth’, but they’re all so sketchy at best that we really just don’t.

(By “we” I of course mean “I”)

2:01
You know, that would have been the perfect time to go into the titles. “The entire planet… the earth is gone!” Instead we got… well, you’ll see what we got.

2:21
I’ll say one thing good about this story; unlike ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’, it actually convinces me that the entire world is affected here. Even though, ironically, it only really does this because of a few captions that say “NEW YORK” and such rather than anything else.

2:33
The fact that Martha’s even in this scene makes it more obvious; the woman looking outside the windows and seeing space is a direct lift from Russell’s own ‘Smith and Jones’. And that’s not the first…

3:01
Damn, that rock music backing is really irritating.

Okay, the inclusion of Torchwood. Torchwood Cardiff, I should specify. For a start, it just makes this feel even more like ‘Doomsday’; Torchwood and the Daleks. Obviously a different Torchwood, and different Daleks technically, but it still recalls the previous story; and of course Rose’s inclusion later.

More to the point, this cheapens Torchwood. My biggest criticism of Torchwood Series One wasn’t the sex or anything, it was the moments where it relied on Doctor Who mythology. It just made the show suddenly feel less important, a couple of adults shooting a few aliens while the Doctor saved planets. You don’t want to be reminded of that when you’re trying to take the threat of a Weevil seriously. And this story basically clinches it; Torchwood look crap in this story. Obviously Gwen and Ianto don’t do anything at all, and they’re not needed; it could have just been Captain Jack. They’re just cameo characters. But really, it just shows you that they’re useless at worldwide threats. Which is annoying, because that was never the point of Torchwood.

So from the moment that Ianto says here, “A bit bigger than South Wales”, you realise that it’s already a problem that’s way beyond them.

3:15
I’ve never seen The Sarah Jane Adventures, so I have to ask… does Luke really talk like that? “It felt like some kind of…” etc. What a bloody loser.

3:22
“Mr Smith, you fucking cunt!” (Sorry, couldn’t resist)

3:26
I do like the fanfare line, actually. One of the few… no, hang on. I was about to say one of the few “real” lines that a character says, something that sounds normal. And yet, I just realised that it’s a wink-nudge as well. Hmmf, there goes that then.

3:48
Okay, Wilf has some great lines here. Come to think of it, Wilf is easily the best thing in this story. As he was in ‘Voyage of the Damned’, come to that.

3:59
“It’s impossible!” “That’s just impossible.” “It can’t be!” You know, shocked looks would’ve sufficed. This is the equivalent of having every companion scream in turn, one at a time.

4:05
In fact, the milkman has the best reaction.

Also, they could’ve just shown the sky here. This is a long intro. But instead, we get…

4:23
Okay. Leaving aside the fact that Rose appearing in the same street as the Doctor (considering the milkman) is bloody unlikely…

…this is a horrible introduction for her in this episode. In ‘Turn Left’, she appeared out of focus and then ran into shot, which was nice and low-key. Here she appears cradling a gun, with an “I’m so awesome” expression, then looks at the sky and says (doom-laden line), “It’s only just beginning.”

We know. So not only is she annoying here, she’s telling us something we already know. And, if that weren’t enough; it’s ala ‘Doomsday’, again. “This is the story of how I died”. “It’s only just beginning”. Pew, that stinks.

4:28
Obviously, a lot of the effects in this are masterful. It’d be unfair of me to ignore that. They’re gorgeous, the planet shots.

(Yet even they have a negative effect, as we’ll see…)

5:28
“Are they dead?” “I dunno, Donna, I just dunno.” “That’s my family.”

…huh? Way to ram the point home in the most silly way possible, Russell.

5:49
“I’m taking you to the Shadow Proclamation”.

To the Shadow Proclamation? Since when was “proclamation” an object?

Yes, I’m nitpicking, though I do have something to say about this later…

5:58
Look, it’s the same news reporter. Again. Considering I was sick of this in ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’ already, can you see why I’m doubly sick of this now?

6:33
No. No, it bloody isn’t funny, Ianto.

I don’t just mean the joke, either.

Okay, let’s see. We’ve had news reports and cameos from real life personalities – and today’s is Richard Dawkins – before, oh yes we have. The most memorable are ‘Doomsday’ and ‘The Sound of Drums’ (well technically, ‘Army of Ghosts’, but I just call it ‘Doomsday’ as an encompassing term of hatred). In the latter, it works, because it shows how the Master’s integrated himself with mankind, how he’s won popularity, how much the celebrities are arse-licking him. That’s funny. In ‘Doomsday’, we get a pointless crossover with – from memory, so I might be completely wrong – Eastenders. Smug and irritating, and also pointless.

But this one is the worst. Apart from the fact that we’ve already seen this numerous times, it’s also just a terrible joke. As ridiculous as a Cyber-ghost on Eastenders is, at least it’s whacky enough to get away with it. Here we just get a terrible joke about floor cleaner, and Ianto laughs at it. The production team really appears to be saying the old perennial, “Aren’t we clever and funny?” here. It’s a running “gag” that was only sometimes funny anyway. And it’s not the first.

Besides which, that’s the most I’ve ever seen Ianto laugh. If that’s what he’s found the funniest, over two series of Torchwood, I’m really worried about the guy. Either Russell is writing him horrendously, or he took Tosh and Owen’s deaths really badly.

6:54
Now, that was the most believably normal scene in the entire thing. I believed that Gwen was a normal person there. Ironically, it’s a scene that refers to Torchwood continuity and wouldn’t be out of place in that series, so that’s quite weird.

7:21
“And that’s what happened to the other Sarah Jane Adventures characters”. Yeah, thanks for that, Luke. Jesus.

7:54
They must be blocking the signal, Martha? Is that so? More like, since you’re in another universe, it doesn’t work. “Anywhere in the universe”, the Doctor said. Do pay attention.

8:00
Ah, now this is another rare moment that’s good. Having seen extras run around screaming in ‘The Sound of Drums’, it’s nice to see the opposite happen here; hooligans go nuts (well, for Doctor Who) and start smashing windows and driving cars recklessly. This is a great representation of what humanity would really get up to…

8:45
…which is ruined by Rose. For a start, Billie delivers these lines quite woefully, which is understandable. But really, what does this scene show us? That two vandals are scared that a blonde with a big plastic gun has turned up. No, really. They would not buy that. And if they did attack her, she wouldn’t shoot them, she’s too moral. It’s Russell cheapening out so that he can provide a quick “vandalism is bad” message. It’s not even funny, in the way that Eccleson telling a kid to scrub BAD WOLF off his TARDIS was.

7th Doctor companion Ace was a teenager that matured into a woman in her TV stories. In the books she left and came back as gunslinging, Dalek-shooting, man-shagging cool-girl Ace II (or at least, that’s how she’s usually referred to by fandom). I haven’t read many of those books, but I now get why she’s received so much criticism. It’s because she’s boring. It’s effectively Rose but without the shagging. And just as my least favourite moments of Torchwood are those where (particularly Jack) picks up a massive gun and looks “cool” with it (which are fairly few, actually), I dislike the portrayal of Rose here. She barely even has a personality here, she’s only got a gun. She was far more engaging in ‘Turn Left’, even though, ironically, Billie’s accent had left her a bit.

In interviews, it’s been said that Rose has “matured” in these episodes. Apart from the fact that they said the same thing of her in Series Two – when in fact she’d become a sneering, grudge-bearing, utterly bitchy whiny teenager – it’s inaccurate here too. Donna is a mature woman. Rose is just a cipher. She’s a girl with a gun, and that’s it. Realistically, she’s no more interesting than Jenny was in ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’, which is a very big problem.

9:30
Project Indigo. Ah, this sounds mysterious!

9:40
“When was that?” “Strictly professional.” Oh man, explain that one to the kids. Still, I’m singling it out because it’s a rare witty and/or character bit of dialogue.

10:38
Jeeeeesus. ‘Remembrance of the Daleks’ has been criticised for how often the Daleks say “exterminate” over and over, but… surely this beats it. It’s endless, and it’s boring, and the reactions are akin to the “It’s impossible!” section; just lots of crying and depression from the characters. “I’m sorry… we’re dead!” More doom-mongering.

11:00
Rose walking away with an explosion behind her… it’s well done, but since it’s Gun ‘n’ Rose (yep, that’s my new name for her), it’s dull. There’s so much work to establish that’s she’s “cool” here, and she’s just not. No no no.

Anyway, since when has Doctor Who been cool in general? Next the Doctor will start wearing sunglasses and long coats.

*grits his teeth and ignores the Doctor in ‘The Idiot’s Lantern’*

11:23
“Ultimate Code Red”? Ah, so Code Red didn’t sound cool enough, considering it was in ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’. So now, to up the stakes, we have Ultimate Code Red. Amazing stuff.

11:27
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war.”

We’ve heard this. Before. Ugh. Dammit.

The irony is, every previous time we’ve heard it… there hasn’t been a war. Despite what the tone and epic-ness will tell you, there was no war in ‘Doomsday’, no war in ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’, and no war in ‘Aliens of London’. It wasn’t World War Three at all. The only war I’ve believed was a war so far is the Time War (and possibly the Seven-Day War, which worked. I could be forgetting something else, though). And when you keep in mind that they surrender in this story, not that long away… well, it’s a cop-out again. It just makes it sound epic for the sake of epic.

…come to think of it, too… this is in New York. Has there been a new American President yet? Why has that not yet been referred to? If there isn’t an answer to this in ‘Journey’s End’, I’ll be bloody annoyed.

12:10
“Daleks are the masters of Earth!”

Hmm. Okay. Let’s leave aside the fact that this is a blatant steal/homage to previous classic series stories because for new fans that’s not a context. But…

I might as well say it now; the Daleks are crap in this story. Why? Because they’re robots with guns. In fact, were it not for the insane Dalek Caan, they’d all talk identically (I’ll get back to Caan later). All they do is either say “Exterminate”, or just talk like we expect Daleks to. Nearly every time a Dalek converses with a human in this story, they tell them to shutup and kill them practically straight away.

But here’s the thing; without someone normal to contrast with them, the Daleks are boring. There’s not even a Doctor/Dalek confrontation here, for god’s sake. And without the contrast, there’s no character to them. They become as emotionless as the Cybermen, which is not the point of Daleks. They become, in essence, catchphrases, and there’s no groundwork done to examine what makes them tick here. Considering Russell’s mini-flair for them in the opening moments of ‘Doomsday’ (“Pest control!”, indeed), and the excellent stuff in ‘Bad Wolf’ (the Doctor/Dalek confrontations are all wonderful in particular)… hell, even considering the Daleks conversing with themselves in the oft-criticised ‘Daleks in Manhattan’, this is a huge disappointment.

So let’s return to “Daleks are the masters of Earth!” It’s been said that this reminds (classic fans, of course) us of ‘The Dalek Invasion of Earth’. It actually reminds me of ‘The Power of the Daleks’ and its “Daleks conquer and destroy!” scenes, but never mind, I’ll look at both. The reason ‘The Power of the Daleks’ can get away with them repeating “Daleks conquer and destroy!” to each other over and over in the Episode 5 cliffhanger is because it’s a rallying war-cry for them at a crucial moment in the story (i.e. right before they go to war), much like “Sontar-HA!” was for the Sontarans in ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’. Elsewhere, the story is full of Dalek/human interaction, and in particular falsehood on the Daleks’ part; the Daleks lie, and pretend to be completely harmless – “I am your servant! I am your servant!” – throughout.

And this is the case in ‘The Dalek Invasion of Earth’ as well, despite the B-movie nature of that plot too (and by the way, I’m not going to criticise the idea of a planet being removed and moved, because I have no real truck with the whole “scientifically plausible” side of things). Either the Daleks are shown to be nasty with the humans, or they’re completely silent. The most cited shots from this story, the iconic ones, are: a Dalek emerging from the Thames; and Daleks gliding over Westminster Bridge with their suckers in the air. They emanate power without speaking in both; they demonstrate, without a single “We’ve won!” to the audience, that they have indeed become the masters of Earth.

But here… they’re just Daleks. They are, indeed, catchphrases, much as the Cybermen were in ‘Doomsday’. There’s no investigation of them whatsoever.

(This is assuming that ‘Journey’s End’ doesn’t go any further; hopefully I’m entirely wrong, and it’ll all be fascinating stuff. Though it won’t make this first episode any more interesting)

12:23
“So go on then… what’s the Shadow Proclamation, then?” “Posh name for the police. Outer-space police.”

Ouch. Is that it? I’m well aware that Doctor Who often brings down legends and likes to deflate pomposity, but christ… you’ll be telling me the Time War was just the Daleks and Time Lords shooting each other in a building next. After the wonderfully mysterious name, this is what we get. What a bloody disappointment.

12:30
Ooh, that city looks nice…

12:39
…but, apparently… only on the outside.

12:51
No hang on, why isn’t that translated by the TARDIS? In ‘Smith and Jones’, it surely wasn’t because the Doctor was asleep at the time, ala ‘The Christmas Invasion’. Why on earth do they speak like that here, then?

No, wait, I know; because it’s fanwanky. Oh, good.

12:57
Okay. Now, this is where it gets really disappointing.

I’m looking at this frozen image at 12:57 here, and guess what the most interesting thing in it is? A pot-plant, with tinsel on it.

Now, I’m not going to criticise Doctor Who purely for its sets. That’d be pointless of me. But. But there’s a difference between having a bad set for, say, a military organisation, and having a bad set for a mysterious intergalactic police force.

And whatever-her-name-is’s comment about the Time Lords is the reason why. As the New Series has proved, the Time Lords and Gallifrey are always at their most interesting… when kept at a distance. In fact, that’s the case with the Time War too. But every time the Doctor’s talked of the planet – ‘Gridlock’, and the glimpses we got in ‘The Sound of Drums’ – it’s been excellent. It’s sounded amazing. And we don’t even visit it.

That’s why it sounds amazing. The problem with Gallifrey and the Time Lords in the TV series has – mostly – been that, well, the budget isn’t enough. And if your budget isn’t enough, then you don’t decide to introduce the most powerful race in the galaxy and have a story about them for six episodes (‘The Invasion of Time’), because it’s just boring. The Time Lords have, on TV, always been most fascinating when off-screen or when their legends have been referred to. Hell, so has the Doctor himself; in ‘The Curse of Fenric’, we don’t need to see the climactic and epic battle that apparently preceded the one we’re witnessing. The show gives us “epic” purely by tapping into our imagination. That’s always been the best way to use a budget, and to tell a story.

Now, Russell T Davies knows this, because he got rid of the Time Lords. Yes, it was convoluted backstory as well, but it was also just hard to represent on-screen without millions upon millions of dollars…

…yet that’s what the Shadow Proclamation is. All of the effects work has obviously gone into the Daleks and the planets in this story. And that’s annoying. We don’t actually need to see the Dalek spaceships physically attacking the Earth. But we do, and that has the efffect of cheapening – in more ways than one – the Shadow Proclamation. In the end, after being mentioned ever since Series One, it comes down to a staircase, a computer, some Judoon and a boring white-haired woman.

No. Not impressive at all.

13:35
Oh, I like the Clom joke.

13:50
Sheesh. What was the point of Donna’s “I’m a human being” bit there, hmm? The scene it echoes most is “Donna, human, no” from ‘The Fires of Pompeii’, which was a bit of character interaction essential to the story. But here… why is Donna asserting herself? In fact, why is the woman being such a snob anyway? She’s meant to be a police officer, for god’s sake. Show some respect, woman!

Anyway, she referred to the Time Lords as “higher species”. So if Donna is lower, then she must be… basically… middle-class.

14:30
Now. Effectively, this is where the Shadow Proclamation’s relevance peters out, and seeing as there’s no evidence that they’re coming back in the second part, this is really awfully done.

Consider: The Doctor goes to the Shadow Proclamation to look up some planets.

Couldn’t he have just done that in some sort of library, for god’s sake? The library in Moffat’s story, or something. There’s no reason for the Shadow Proclamation in this story beyond fanwank, and as I said, it just cheapens them. It’d be like the Doctor visiting Gallifrey just to play Tetris on their high-tech computers.

14:45
Oh yeah, and that’s fanwank galore. “Pyrovillia!” “Adipose III!” “The Lost Moon of Poosh!” (and the Woman Wept reference) Back in the day, I criticised ‘Utopia’ for flashing back to “You Are Not Alone” and making the YANA thing far too obvious. This is in a whole new league. This is the equivalent of ‘Utopia’ showing flashbacks to every Saxon reference, and You Are Not Alone.

15:01
“Oi, don’t get all spaceman, what does it mean?”

Is it just me, or is Donna suddenly awful in this story?

15:24
Hooray, we’re getting rid of the Thunderbirds-esque Valiant. Thank christ for that.

“Maximum extermination!” Hmm, I’ll get back to that…

15:48
Project Indigo is being activated? Ooh. I mean, the Shadow Proclamation turned out to be disappointing, but this will be interesting, surely?

16:15
UNIT fight aliens. Haven’t we had enough of this sort of thing? Please?

…and here I was thinking, when I wrote my Series Three review, that the return of UNIT could be an exciting thing. I was of course thinking they’d be revamped in style, like they were in the UNIT audios. Nah. Same old, same old. Bugger.

16:45
A key? Huh? What happened to Project Indigo?

But it’s “for the sake of the human race”, so it must be boring. Sorry, did I say boring? I meant “important”.

17:31
…it’s a teleport? That’s it? THAT’S BLOODY IT?!

Oh, christ.

Back in the 60s stories, of course, the idea of teleportation was something fascinating. D-Mats in ‘The Seeds of Death’, for instance. But apart from the fact that sci-fi viewers – and in fact, everyone – will be pretty darn casual about the idea of teleportation now (it’s one of those things on the list of, “Near-future we’ll-probably-have-it-tomorrow” devices, like VR headsets and surfing the internet physically), it’s also just ridiculous to build it up so much anyway. We saw teleportation in ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’, obviously, and we saw it in ‘Forest of the Dead’, and ‘Turn Left’… in fact, Donna’s backpack was effectively the same as Martha’s. We saw this last week, done with no fanfare. Yet here it was something mysterious.

And it was just a bloody teleport.

Good god, this key thing had better be something interesting, or I’ll scream.

18:15
Actually no, that’s a nice little exchange. “I could almost mistake that one for victory”. A minor attempt to make the Daleks interesting! Go Russell.

(Yes, I’m being pretty darn sarcastic)

18:31
One of Davros’ switch turns on a light. Well, when they built his chariot, I’m sure they thought that he’d use that light switch all the time.

18:55
Nice chuckle there.

But.

When I first heard that chuckle in the trailer, I thought, “Oh interesting, a mad Dalek!” But watching this, I remembered… ‘The Parting of the Ways’. This has been done before; doom-laden dialogue, a Dalek gone mad, and… in fact, the only real difference here is that this Dalek refers to the Doctor as “the creator”, whereas the Emperor Dalek referred to him as “the destroyer”. Hmm.

Mind you, Caan actually has more personality than Davros at this point…

19:18
Mysterious heartbeat. Intriguing.

19:46
“I’m so sorry for your loss”. That’s… not so intriguing.

Oh, I should point out; Donna points out she’s a temp, again. Yeah, we get it, luv. You think you’re normal. Geez, Rose didn’t even mention chips as often as Donna mentions being a temp.

But yes, the “prophecy” itself. For a start, we know. Secondly, it’s basically the same setup as ‘Doomsday’ with its “This is the story of how I died”. Thirdly, it doesn’t even make sense on a story level. Seeing as the Shadow Proclamation pretty obviously can’t time travel – seeing as they didn’t realise this whole “The Darkness” thing wasn’t just a problem with space – it doesn’t make sense that this girl can see Donna’s future. Simple as that.

20:19
Why is the creepy music for ‘Midnight’ being played here? It’s not a creepy scene.

20:59
Jesus Christ that was a fast explanation. Did anyone truly understand that?

Still, I promised I wouldn’t talk about scientific plausibility, so I won’t – you know – point out that the TARDIS is following some bees around the galaxy here. You know. Bees. That need oxygen. In the galaxy. You know. I won’t point it out.

21:40
They want to confiscate the TARDIS… but have him lead them into war? Huh? Unless they mean “lead them into war” as in fly them there, rather than be a glorious warrior. Pretty flimsy dialogue if so.

And yes, another war promised. And not delivered. Hmm.

21:50
And uh… Danny Elfman?

22:08
People being shuffled out of their homes by robotic looking creatures. Not at all similar to ‘Doomsday’, then.

22:12
Whoa. That Dalek actually said “resistance is useless”. I thought that was a no-no, that that was on the Cheesy Sci-Fi list?

Also, to bring the point home, a family resists. With a brick. Barring the amusement of seeing a brick slamming into a Dalek’s head, it’s a boring scene, until…

22:51
“Dalek attack formation 7”. Since when did they have attack formations?

Anyway, more to the point:

“Maximum extermination!”

No. Just… no. It’s upping the ante, and making them, like, exterminate but even more so like cool yer.

They were scary enough just shooting people. Why did they need to be “advanced” like that?

23:31
“Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!” Oh, shutup.

Now, I like the paintball scene. Or at least… I like the idea that Wilf is clever enough to shoot at its eye, even with something as seemingly ineffective as a paintgun. It makes him seem clever, and rewards using the noggin rather than a big gun.

Um, except that it doesn’t… because for all that “My vision is not impaired” is a humourous line, it’s also a backstep. The Dalek is destroyed by a massive gun. Hrrrgh. This takes all the ingenuity out of Doctor Who. Problems are solved with guns. No thank you!

Ironically, it also makes the Daleks weaker. I’d have accepted their eyestalk being a weakness, because you wouldn’t get many shots in even if you did impair their vision. But a bad-ass gun can be fired numerous times, so Gun ‘n’ Rose can obviously take down loads of them. They suddenly seem lame.

So now both sides seem hopelessly lame. Yep! ‘Doomsday’ flashbacks again!

24:00
Doesn’t Donna’s mum know that Donna is travelling in outer space with the Doctor? Huh, ‘Turn Left’ must’ve confused the crud out of this. It’s a pretty darn useless scene, really, because there’s no consequence of her knowing. They could have just assumed she already knew – or thrown that into ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’ – instead of leaving it til now.

24:45
The Medusa Cascade.

This had better be going somewhere, otherwise it’s just more pointless fanwank. Ugh, I feel slimy.

25:52
The Doctor has given up.

…right.

Lucky his ex-companions are all here to remind us how wonderful he is, though!

*gets even more ‘Doomsday’ flashbacks*

26:32
Why does Harriet’s system have the Saxon drumbeat? F-a-n-w-a-n-k.

27:20
“What? Who is that?”
“Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.”
“Yeah, I know who you are.”

…okay! That’s an exchange that makes perfect sense.

And yes, Russell is returning to old running gags.

28:01
I’ve paused just to look at this image. Rose, leaning over a laptop that shows four locations, with Harriet, Captain Jack and co, Sarah Jane and co and Martha and co.

Ohhhh lord. Fanwank galore.

28:11
Indigo tapped into her mind? I’m sorry, what?

This is pointless sentimentality here. We already know that Martha values her family. The end of ‘Last of the Time Lords’ showed that.

“At the end of the world, you came back to me.”

Sigh. It’s even a bad line.

28:27
Hang on… continuity error here. You can see Martha in the lower right square on the laptop, talking animatedly. And yet we can also see Martha, watching herself… and not talking.

28:48
And look, a postmodern joke about how Torchwood isn’t for kids.

Mind you… “too many guns”? Isn’t that exactly the problem with this story so far?

29:00
“And Martha Jones, former companion to the Doctor…”

No way would Harriet say this, that’s a horrible line. It’s only there to get Rose riled up.

29:24
The Mr Copper foundation… it took me a while to even get that reference. And when I did, I wished I hadn’t. More pointless fanwank.

30:07
“I told him so myself, and he didn’t listen.”

Actually, that’s a nice little idea, there. Undeveloped, of course, but what do you expect?

30:20
The Doctor’s secret army?

*avoids mentioning Harry Potter*

30:30
Through all the power of the rift, hmm? Even though Earth has moved?

So the Earth is now in the Medusa Cascade, which the Doctor said was a rift, but… is it likely that Torchwood Cardiff is still in a position to tap into another rift successfully?

If it weren’t for the fact that the Earth had been moved, this usage of the rift would be really nice. As it stands, it doesn’t make sense.

30:39
“Billions of phones calling out, all at once!”

So… like humanity chanting “Doctor”, then?

31:04
“My life doesn’t matter”. “But there are people dying out there, on the streets”.

Oh god, such self-important dialogue. I know she’s a politician, but everyone is doing it, so she isn’t exactly helping.

31:20
…yeah, this music cue is just weird. “Hoo hah!” It’s like the KLF version of the Doctor Who theme remixed.

32:16
That does look nice.

32:54
Davros’ second scene, and he still hasn’t had a believable line. He was never this second-rate a villain, was he?

(Mind you, I haven’t seen ‘Destiny of the Daleks’…)

33:56
The TARDIS is on fire, yet… that’s the worst shaky-TARDIS acting Tennant and Tate have done so far.

34:27
“Yes, we know who you are.”

I get the feeling that this would’ve been much funnier if there hadn’t already been two repetitions of the gag already. I mean, just imagine if this had been the first and only reference to it. Fans would’ve laughed, and non-fans would’ve just thought it was the Daleks having found out who she was. As it stands, it’s pushed into your face as a running gag.

35:55
“Look at you all, you clever people.”

Yes… you’re in love with your own characters, Russell. We know.

36:15
“Everyone except Rose”.

Thus delaying their reunion. Now that is the best idea in this entire story; it keeps it at bay (…not Bad Wolf Bay), and keeps it from getting too sappy. As we’ll later see…

37:00
Hmm, fans were indignant that a Dalek could ring up the Doctor in the TARDIS in ‘Resurrection of the Daleks’. I wonder if this’ll be criticised too?

38:10
“A testament to my remarkable creations”.

I can’t accurately judge, but I’d say that this brings back Davros really quite well. He’s not as immediately fascinating as the Master, mainly because Davros is the only villain of the old series whose history, long and convoluted as it is, is also fascinating. The Time War is an easy way of scratching away most of it, but it’s still hard to see a consistent relationship between them now that he’s in the New Series.

38:26
Urgh. That’s awesome.

38:48
“I’ve only one thing to say to you… BYE!”

The first part echoes ‘Last of the Time Lords’. The second part… is awkwardly acted. Hmm. Not a great end to the scene. I’d have preferred a Davros rant.

(Davros hasn’t ranted in this entire story so far, actually. What a waste!)

39:11
“Everlasting death for the most faithful companion!”

Oh, come on. Not only has this already been established, but… mad or not, what kind of Dalek talks like that? Seeing as Davros himself referred to them as “allies”, why would a Dalek even say “companion”? It’s just so un-Dalek-like, to the point of not making the slightest bit of sense.

Anyway, like the previous “You’re gonna die” scene (assuming both are about Donna), it’s also inserted quite painfully into the episode, shoved in with reckless abandon.

39:45
Not entirely sure why that’s all Jack needs to get his teleport working, but… well for a start, it’ll be interesting seeing whether he uses it in Torchwood. And… this is another reason why Project Indigo was so crappily done. Not only is the audience used to teleports, but Captain Jack himself has one right at hand, which makes Martha’s “achievement” seem even less interesting.

So why doesn’t Jack take Gwen and Ianto with him? What an arsehole.

40:11
JACK HAS A GUN OH ISN’T HE COOL LIKE YER

42:15
Run! Run towards each other! Like you’re in a romantic film!

Hahaha actually, I like this scene. The music is actually the most subtle it’s been in this entire episode, which is quite amazing considering. They don’t yell out to each other. And it’s not a conventional running scene, because…

42:38
…ouch, that’s gotta hoit.

42:44
How did Jack instinctively know that that Dalek was there? Also, problems solved with guns again. Oh hooray!

And yes, coming after ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’ which tried to show us – in an annoyingly unsubtle way – that guns are wrong… we’ve got guns left, right and centre! Contradiction, anyone? The message appears to be “Guns are wrong, kids, but they’re oh so cool”.

43:18
…I wouldn’t say Owen and Tosh “went down fighting”, but it’s nice that they were referenced, really.

43:34
Why is Rose so sad about it, anyway? Is she just dreading that he might turn into an ugly fuck in his next incarnation?

44:24
GWEN AND IANTO HAVE GUNS AREN’T THEY COOL LI – no, I won’t bother.

The irony is of course that the Torchwood team frequently use guns… in Torchwood. And that’s sort of the point. I don’t mind them using it because they’re normal human beings who are flawed and degenerate in many ways, but are ultimately right in what they do. They’re normal, in other words. But in the context of Doctor Who, if you’ve got a gun, you’re pretty much wrong because you’re not using your brain to solve the problem. I wouldn’t even mind that so much if it was presented that having to resort to guns wasn’t a good thing, but it’s just been done in such a “cool” way. Stupid Gun ‘n’ Rose.

44:31
Also, STOP FUCKING SAYING “EXTERMINATE” CHRIST!

45:07
Nice cliffhanger, actually.

…but I hate the “To Be Continued”. It’s all blocky and horrible.

END
Yeah. I’m not sure what else I can say about this, except… well, I’m of course hoping that ‘Journey’s End’ will be better. It’s just that I can’t see how it can be, especially since ‘Doomsday’ was so awful, and this reminds me so much of it. There’s some nice moments to see here. But it’s just outweighed by the irritating, the disappointing, the cool and the unoriginal.