It’s Michael Sandford’s birthday!

I’ve been sorting through my aunt’s piles and piles of books (utterly invaluable, that; I took The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and The Female Eunuch. I’m on my way to reading the “greats”!), and have stumbled upon Maus. Considering I poked fun at it a little while back, I thought I should, you know, actually read it.

Today’s themed entry (yes, my phallus now has a theme tune – OH GOD DID I JUST MAKE THAT JOKE?!):

30 Unmade Sequels and Episodes

1. Pokemon: ‘Pikachu, I Caught You!’
Team Rocket finally manage to ensnare Pikachu by offering it cheese on a mousetrap. Ash cries for about five minutes, but realises he can win anyway and goes on to become the Pokemon Master. This achievement is so amazing that Brock’s eyes actually open for the first time since he was born.

2. Thomas the Tank Engine: ‘A Lament for those Lost’
Ever wondered what happens to the passengers and drivers who are mortally wounded whenever one of the trains crashes? This touching episode takes the time out to investigate the little people on the sidelines.

3. The Robot Who Sued Man
Are robots sentient in their own right? Do they have rights? And can you call them a fucking wanker and get away with it? This is what Sonny sets out to question as he takes Spooner to court for calling him just that. The stupid dickhead.

4. Dragonball Z: ‘A Super Saiyan?’
That’s the question on the Z Fighters’ lips as Goku fights Frieza, maintaining that he is withholding his inner power. As it happens, this turns out to be a bluff, and Frieza easily defeats him before playing “Sailors” with his muscular corpse.

5. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
Not an adaptation, but a documentary that sets out to conclusively determine whether this is true. 30 minutes of the program are literally devoted to watching electric sheep jump over a fence again and again and again and again and again and again and ag-

6. Rugrats: The Placenta Years
Was foetus Chuckie scared of the dark? Did foetus Tommy feel all adventurous? Did foetus Angelica believe she was beautiful? Did Phil and Lil fight each other and eat amoeba? Find out in this daring mini-series, which, in order to get the POV right, is entirely dark.

[Side-note: Yeah I know, it should be “foetus years” or at least “zygote years”. But I thought “placenta years” was funnier]

7. Life on Mars: ‘Let’s Do the Timewarp Again!’
Driving their car in a typically reckless manner in a high-speed chase – which Sam Tyler describes as being “like Starsky and Hutch” – Gene Hunt accidentally collides straight into a telegraph pole. He wakes up ten minutes later in the year 2006, confused and lost. Stumbling into the police station, he demands a drink, picks a fight with a senior officer, and gets slammed into jail, all in the space of five minutes. The rest of the episode shows him wondering where the hell he went wrong and eventually committing suicide with a flared-sock.

8. Sitting Ducks: ‘Literally’
Yes, the ducks sit. On chairs. They realise how cumbersome this is without water, and are determined instead to go back to their pond. A mysterious stranger holding an orange plastic gun informs them that he could help them, if they’d be willing to enter a partnership with the Mario Bros. Foolishly, they agree.

9. The Exorcist IV: Paedaemon
Regan McNeil finds her body forcibly entered again, this time by a musical demon named Zoot. And that bed just won’t stop shaking...

10. Twin Peaks: ‘What if...?’
What if... Laura Palmer hadn’t died? Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

11. Hobble Lola Hobble
Now in her 80s – and wearing a rather fetching red wig – Lola discovers that her husband Manni has left his change for the bus at home. As time runs out, she must hobble to the bus stop as fast as her legs can take her before he misses the bus and has to wait another ten minutes for the next one.

12. Lolita: All Growed Up
Now in her 20s and completely over the legal age, Lolita finds Prof. Humbert Humbert again and slyly hints that she wants to “rediscover the joys of Edgar Allen Poe”. But since she’s no longer 14, he isn’t in the slightest bit interested and dates his own sister instead.

13. Wire in the Blood: ‘Ow My Head’
The direction of the series grows increasingly more flashy to make the audience feel Tony Hill’s tumour (ala kids seizuring in Japan to Pikachu). Eventually his brain explodes, as do the viewers’ TV screens. It’s the worst unnatural disaster in known history, mainly because “known history” for the viewers dates back to “last week”.

14. The Exorcist V: Dance, Demon, Dance!
Infected with the musical virus after Zoot’s invasion of her body, Regan finds herself tap dancing away for the rest of the movie. Her bed joins her for a duet.

15. Torchwood: ‘Sodom’
A creature centres in on the Torchwood crew and steals their sex drives for its own ends. This forces the team to sit around and watch Doctor Who all day.

16. Die Hard: Or Not
Bruce Willis dies. Softly.

17. House of Wax: Director’s Chop-and-Change
In which Paris Hilton doesn’t die, and the audience kill themselves.

18. Croc 3: The Reunion
Croc finally finds his real parents, who are the loveable Mr and Mrs Croc (yes, censuses are confusing in crocodile land). He takes them to visit the Gobbos. They reveal that they’re Gobbo-eaters, and start chomping on the little orange barstards, who squeal in pain. Croc looks blank for a second, then shrugs and joins them.

19. Doctor Who: the Thirteenth
...

20. Peter Rabbit: Night of the Living Humans
As Peter and friends (not that he has many; “friends” is a term for “every other damn anthropomorphic animal”) steadily grew in intelligence and develop human tendencies, they steal these attributes from mankind; and mankind is steadily growing more animalistic. Cue horror scenes where humans shred innocent wolves and bears to bits with their rabid teeth.

21. I Am Legend: Some Men’s Best Friends
Robert Neville and his dog Samantha think they are special and alone... but they’re not. To his horror, when he visits a library, Robert realises that many men and their dogs exist. Tintin and Snowy, Wallace and Gromit, Moser and Rex – these are the figures that will haunt his dreams until the day he dies. Luckily the day he dies is Friday, so he won’t be bothered for much longer.

22. Frenzy: At Home with the Oxfords
DIY Cooking, Mrs Oxford style! Gasp as she cooks up weird “foreign” dishes that no-one likes! Be amused as audience members are killed next door! Vomit as they’re processed into the food and the Oxfords unknowingly eat them! Rage about the fact that you can’t get your money back! Sue the producers of the show! End this running gag!

23. Minibeast Wars
MINI! BEAST! WAAARS! Watch the epic battle between ants, spiders, wasps, flies, bees, and woodlice! Nothing’s cooler than this.

24. Jonathan Creek: ‘How Postmodern, Mr Creek!’
Jonathan is asked to solve a locked room mystery. It turns out that the key was lost behind the sofa. He retrieves it and opens the door to find Madi inside; sex ensues, ending the sexual tension. And the show.

25. Star Wars: The Life and Times of Jar Jar Binks
What? Don’t look at me like that.

26. You and I: Finding ABBA
Two men meet in a gay bar that’s hosting a “Dancing Queen!” Abba-themed night. They dance like queens, they hold each other tightly, they make jokes about liking men who are bears, and they have a wonderful time. Then one of them reveals that he’s straight and genuinely likes Abba. He is stripped, defiled, tortured, and drowned in the river Thames whilst ‘Waterloo’ plays in the background.

27. The Twilight Zone: The Movie
I dunno, something weird.

28. Paddington B Bear: The Bear Who Sued Man
Paddington B Bear discovers that his middle name stands for “Bee”, and realises that he’s been a metaphor for English sex since day one; even down to the fact that he likes marmalade sandwiches (which means, of course, an orgy where you get laid by various mothers). Angrily, he takes Michael Bond to court and demands that it be changed. This is overruled. Distressed, he maintains that “I tried so hard to get things right”, before inevitably committing suicide.

29. Archibald: ‘Apocalypse’
Archibald’s bike is stolen. Unable to ride into Koalaville, he can do little but anxiously drum his fingers as he hears the destruction, crime and violence that has broken out in his absence.

30. Nick Ashby’s Lawful Adventures
...:)